Neville’s Advocate

25 Oct

Rugby World Cup semi final, 2011.

France v Wales.

Down to 14 men after the harsh sending off of their captain, and facing a French side with their cock-feathers up, the Welsh not only rally but battle back to a within a point of the opposition; denied a place in the final by the width of a post. They are defeated, but they have given every ounce of energy and have fought with passion right to the end. They have done themselves proud. The nation salutes them.

John Terry.

I’ll say that again.

John Terry.

Or how about…?

Wayne Rooney

Or perhaps…?

Peter Crouch.

The comparison smarts, doesn’t it?

And before I’m accused of club bias (I’m a QPR fan):

Joey Barton.

Why are there so many turds in football? The Premier League is awash with them, like a sewer drain in flood season. I’m not going to list them all. In fact, I don’t think I could list them all. Maybe Motty could give us the full shit-stats? Opta probably have a shit-index for footballers. They should have.

Football has always had its share of cheaters and whiners. But why this unprecedented turd-storm? What makes the current PL such an unfailing shit-magnet?

Here’s my answer. Greed – pure and simple (if Gordon Gekko had managed Hear’say…)

Clubs want success because success means cash, so they borrow breathtaking sums of money to buy the best players and pay them spectacularly inflated salaries. Almost invariably, the best players have the emotional intelligence of a fridge so when they aren’t diving or bawling at referees they’re in a nightclub trying to spit-roast Shelley and Kelly from Strelley. The clubs wont discipline them for even the most trivial lapse of discipline in case they tear up their contracts, pack up their Gucci man-bags and leg it to the club up the road. So their behaviour is not only tolerated, it becomes the norm. And so it goes on.

Think about it. We’re breeding a super-race of super-brats. Soon football clubs will be so astronomically powerful we will all have to give our children to them for “football processing”. Those who can trap a ball will be selected for further training. Those that can’t will be sent to work in Greggs. Our daughters will be forced to get hair extensions and queue up outside Premier Inns as votive offerings to the Soccer Gods. John Terry will be allowed to climb in your kitchen window whenever he likes and piss on your biscuits. I have seen it all…

There is only one man who can save us…

Gary Neville.

Gary, you have the respect of clubs and country alike. Ok, no you don’t – but you’re good with players and doing the whole “shop-steward – power to the people thing”, albeit you were entirely self-appointed and your actions nearly resulted in a player strike. But that’s not important right now. Gary! Draft a manifesto, organise a rally, take a vote. Get Becks involved if you have to. He could hand out flyers. Grab a megaphone and sort these bolshy clubs out before it’s too late. We need you, Gary. Do it for us.

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2 Responses to “Neville’s Advocate”

  1. Garth Jenkins October 25, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    I agree, but asking Gary Neville to sort it out is like asking Hitler to streamline the scouts organisation, thus satisfying Godwin’s Law at the first time of asking.

    If you were a flatlining bellend with the IQ of a three year old chimpanzee stool, but were paid the equivalent of a lifetime’s earnings in one year because, as you say, you can trap a ball, do you think you would become a well rounded human being?

    What pisses me off is that they haven’t all got smiles like The Joker – they earn more in the time it takes you to shout fuck off at your TV than you will this entire year. OK, maybe not you, but certainly me. MY job is very shit.

    Maybe we should employ a Battlefield 3 expert to sit in the floodlights trying to pop off the players, giving the game an edge for not football fans and the player’s a new sense of humility. It might also answer the question of whether computer skills are directly transferable in the real world.

  2. Garth Jenkins October 25, 2011 at 6:17 pm #

    Apologies for typos and made up words. Cool blog, by the way.

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