“Tevez has locked himself in the shitter” say Man City

15 Nov

(article lifted from the Daily Mail)

Sausage-tongued striker upset at suggestions he’s an objectionable man-child.

Carlos Tevez has locked himself in Man City’s training ground shit-house and is refusing to come out, according to sources at the club. The Argentine striker is thought to have taken exception to a club statement suggesting his recent behaviour was comparable to that of an attention-deficient four-year old who you’d belt round the ear if only the bastard PC brigade would let you.

Club spokesman, Steve, said “Carlos locked himself in the turdshop about 20 minutes ago and all we’ve had since is a sullen silence, interspersed with the occasional overly-dramatic South American sob. One of the cleaning ladies is trying to get him to open the door now, mainly because she needs to get her mop and bucket out. The rest of the lads and the manager buggered off for a pint at the Dog & Spitroast ages ago”

“Actually, I’m amazed he’s managed to last this long. Micah Richards was in there earlier and he left a monster arse-egg floating pan-side. Perhaps Carlos has passed out? Should I call the fire brigade? Sod it, I’ll do it in the morning…”

Tevez is reportedly "devastated" to be leaving Man City

Child psychologist Wally Cheese added “Carlos is clearly frustrated at the way his exclusion from the Man City team has resulted in them topping the Premier League and giving local rivals Man Utd the sort of unforgiving fisting that would make a hooker wince.”

“What also doesn’t help, of course, is that Carlos has the emotional intelligence of a fridge”.

Mr Cheese went on “Mancini did have a naughty step installed for Carlos but he wore that out weeks ago. Besides, it’s not as if he’s going to starve in there. He can always lick the gold-leaf off the bog-roll handler if he gets peckish”

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