Ten Downing St – phone log, Weds 30 Nov 6.59pm

2 Dec

 

“Hello, Clarkson residence”

 “Hi Jezza, it’s Dave” 

“Dave, hi! How’s things in the corridors of power?”

 “Not too good, Jezza, not too good” 

“What’s up mate? Andy Coulson threatening to spill the beans at Leveson? Would you like me to speak to Rebekah?”

 “It’s worse than that old chap – things are a bit grim on all fronts”

 “Well, just blame old Jocky One Eye and be done with it” 

“Afraid we’ve tried that old boy – they bought it for a while but now they’ve seen through it”

 “So what’s the problem?” 

“Where do I start? We’ve got 2 million public sector workers on strike, the economy is about to plummet into a second recession, and to top it all we’ve got ourselves into an darned silly scrap with the Iranians and Ahmidinejad is hovering his finger over the nuclear button! It’s all gone a bit Norman Lamont” 

“Nasty – but don’t see what I can do about it?” 

“Well, we need a lumpen-headed gobshite to distract the public’s attention so that they don’t come to conclusion that all of this is actually my, er … I mean our fault” 

“I see. Well, I’m your man! Shall I get Hammond to prang a dragster on Horseguards Parade?”

“Bit tacky, Jezza” 

“I could drop a caravan on Ed Miliband’s head”

“I like it – but it’s a bit too… criminal”

“OK. Here’s an idea – I say something breathtakingly ignorant on TV about striking public sector workers”  

“Nice! But it needs spicing up…”

“Er… I can say they should be taken out…?”

 “Yes, keep going…” 

“And shot…?” 

“Yes, good, but it needs a bit more…” 

“In front of their families…?” 

“Perfect! That’ll get Charlie Brooker twitching into his medication” 

“Then Hammond power-slides into their children in an Aston Martin whilst May does wheel-spins on their corpses – in an Bugatti Veyron” 

“Er… stick to shooting them in front of their families”

 “Will do – and can I plug my book and DVD at the same time?”

 “I think the publicity will probably look after itself Jezza” 

“Right ho – leave it with me, Dave”

“Thanks Jezza – I won’t forget this”

“No, but the social networks soon will…”

“Ho ho! Indeed. And on that bombshell…”

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