Ode to January

4 Jan


When the New Year klaxon clears

The festive static from your ears

And all the turkey, cakes and pies

Have turned to goose-fat on your thighs

And nothing in the wardrobe slips

Around your Stollen-swollen hips

Your tummy, plump with pigs-in-blanket,

Flops and bulges from your slanket

At every step your lungs explode

Your arse is like a postal code

And bits of you that once were boney

Now are pure Panettone

    Here’s the month to soothe your pain

    And aid your efforts to abstain

    Stoney-faced and coldly-fasted

    JANUARY – the skinny bastard



When the final drink’s been supped

You’ve toasted, cheered and bottoms-upped

The cabinet – where once was plenty –

Echoes now,  forlorn and empty

When the last hangover’s hit you

Sicker than the dog that bit you

Like a wino down the park

Your liver feels like Noah’sArk

It tries to bid you au revoir

A stranger gives it CPR

When you find yourself accusing

Ribena of having booze in

    When you cannot walk for gout

    Here’s a month to dry you out

    Seeing you don’t come unstuck

    JANUARY – the boring fuck.



Now the revels all have ended

Party-time has been suspended

Bank accounts are bleak and bare

Austerity is in the air

You steal a happy meal to eat

You burn the dog to bring some heat

Or fake a fall and make a claim

And send the cat out on the game

The painting that your schoolchild did

You’ve e-bayed for a couple of quid

Till common sense at last prevails

And takes the wind out of your sales

    Need assistance with your spending?

    Here’s a month that’s never-ending

    It smiles like an investment banker

    JANUARY – you massive wanker


A month, yesterday


5 Responses to “Ode to January”

  1. Sam February 6, 2012 at 9:46 am #

    Brilliant. I love it.

  2. @clivethebudgie January 2, 2014 at 9:45 pm #


  3. Matt January 6, 2015 at 6:27 am #

    fantastic! Lovely rhythm

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