Archive | February, 2012

Cockney Rhyming Slang for The Sid (The Sid James – Olympic Games)

17 Feb

It’s going to be a right old Cockney knees-up down at the Marky (ie. Marky Mark – Olympic Park) this summer. Athletes from all over the space (space probe – globe) will be gathering to see who is the Fred (Fred West – best), all in the glare of the world’s Wiki (Wikipedia – media)

But beware! The East End of London is home to some right dodgy fridges (fridge freezers – geezers) who speak their own bizarre language and prey on anyone who isn’t “famlee”. So make sure you’ve got a Bill (Bill and Ted – A to Z) or you might find yourself David (David Frost – lost) and on the end of a Charlie (Charlie Dickens – kicking).

For the benefit of visitors from out of town, here are some common Cockney phrases that might help you get through The Sid in one John (John Cleese – piece)

1. If you hear a local Eastender remark “They took his brake off him after he failed his pants” this does not mean the AA man had a nasty trouser-related accident. It actually translates as “They took his brake pedal (medal) off him because he failed his pants and vest (drug test)”. Get the idea?

2.  “Massive Steve on the A1 held me up so I was late for the Les”. Although this sounds like the result of a highwayman interfering with the speaker’s nefarious sexual antics, it does in fact mean “Massive Steve Cram (traffic jam) on the A1 held me up, so I was late for the Les Dennis (Table Tennis)”. Obvious, really.

3. “I was on the way to the pancake with my lemony in my pocket, when there was a crepe” Coming from Heston Blumenthal, this sentence might seem vaguely normal. But on the tongue of an East End fridge it actually means “I was on the way to the pancake batter (royal regatta) with my lemony snicket (ticket) in my pocket, when there was a Crepe Suzette (bomb threat). Piece of piss.

4. “I had Posh right after a poker, says GB machine”. If you read this headline in a local Cockney rag it might raise an eyebrow. Thankfully, it simply means “I had Posh and Becks (sex) after a poker face (race), says GB machine gunner (runner). All makes sense now doesn’t it? I hope so.

5. And finally, if you overhear a Cockney say “I’ve just seen Coe and Boris on my telly acting like a couple of tossers in front of the Queen” er… that’s not slang.

I'm not obsessed with Carry On characters btw

If your football team were a newspaper, which would it be?

8 Feb

Manchester United = The Daily Mail

A moronic, monolithic juggernaut managed by a long-serving, foul-tempered tyrant. The Daily Manu have peddled an unsubtle blend of mind-games and petty paranoia for many years, playing perfectly to their predominantly home counties audience. Traditional in outlook, inflexible in approach and arrogant to the core, The Manu remains a force to be reckoned with. They have signed their share of expensive, overpaid donkeys down the years (eg. Juan Sebastian Littlejohn) plus the occasional strutting self-obsessed showpony (David Beckham/Liz Jones), but any who step out of line quickly fall foul of the hair-drier treatment from dictator-for-life, Sir Alex Dacreson.

When he goes, expect a catastrophic meltdown.

Chelsea = The Independent

Previously proudly British but now firmly in the hands of a decidedly dubious Russian. They achieved some success under Andrew Marrinho but performances plummeted when he went on to greater things. Their style (never much to write home about) has chopped and changed in subsequent years but long-term stability and success remain tantalisingly elusive. Former child protégé turned pug-faced stallwart, Johann Terry was sensationally forced to stand down in disgrace when it was proven he had been regularly “taking possession of items that were not his”.

Contrition came there none.

Manchester City = The Mail Online

Brassy, buffoonish, big-money boys next door. In desperation, they sold out what few principles they had long ago and are now awash with more tits than Playboy. Flashy modern visuals and the seemingly indiscriminate acquisition of “celebs” signify a distinct focus on style over substance. Nonetheless, their recent success, and their ability to attract people who simply get annoyed by them, have got everyone else watching and worrying. Not sure who is in charge at the moment, but hey, he probably won’t be for long.

The future? God help us.

Arsenal = The Guardian

The Gooniad represents liberal, progressive values, and they have a proud history. Recently changed homes hoping for a brighter future which has yet to materialise. Despite  long-standing manager Arsene Ruswenger’s visionary approach it has been years since they achieved anything meaningful, and the faithful are asking questions. Occasionally capable of exposing the frailties of the opposition, these victories are more often than not followed by a catastrophic shooting in their own foot. Now very much reliant on Robin Von Brooker’s ascerbic finishing, but how long till a bigger team comes in for him or he breaks down completely?

Reputation for typographical errors well earned – notably in the contract they signed with Emmanuel Eboue.

Tottenham Hotspurs = The Sun

The cabby’s favourite. Traditional hated rivals of The Gooniad. Chirpy Cockney wide-boys, fond of rolling out the barrel and a bit of hows-yer-father. Bright and breezy in aspect but capable of turning nasty and attacking like a pitbull when the chips and peas are down. Some extremely dodgy goings-on behind the scene have recently come to light, involving a management with a fair bit of “previous”. This has led to accusations of improper practice and the old Bill getting involved. Despite all the big talk they remain dependent on right wingers and a couple of exposed strikers up front.

No defence worth speaking of.

Liverpool = The Daily Mirror

Red-topped, heart-on-the-sleeves, working class chest-beaters. Used to be world-beaters but a tendency to attack from the left-wing now leaves them hopelessly outdated and predictable. Despite having achieved nothing of note for what feels like decades their self-belief and sense of entitlement continues to verge on the delusional. They remain remarkably popular despite some quite staggering gaffes.

Free t-shirts a speciality.

Leeds United = The Daily Express

Probably still around. Not sure. Who cares?

And especially for football fans in Scotland, the greatest pun ever…

Landfill

5 Feb

Wherever you go, you scatter litter.
Crisp packets, beer cans, gum – you lead a long
Fat, slick of garbage – with every piece
Forgotten the instant it leaves your hand.

Now I could get preachy and tell you
That I’ve never dropped so much as a scrap
Of snotty tissue on god’s good earth –
But I’d be lying. No-one is perfect.

But with you it’s like a code of honour.
A ritual. A rite of passage gone mad.
And the shame that would come from being seen
Actually putting litter in a bin…

Perhaps when you die, as a mark of respect,
We should stuff your coffin to the brim with
Crisp packets, beer cans, gum…

Tosser