Frankly, Mr Shankly

10 Apr

Cut to a hospital ward. Liverpool FC legend Bill Shankly is lying in bed. A doctor walks in, looks at Shankly’s chart, then tuts ominously.

Doctor: “Sorry Mr Shankly, I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do for you”

Shankly: “Eh? What do you mean? I’ve only got an ingrowing toe-nail!”

Doctor: “Well, the thing is, you know what you said about football being more important than life and death?

Shankly: “Yes?”

Doctor: “Well, we agreed…  so we sold all the operating equipment to buy new goalposts for the hospital football pitch”

Shankly: “You did what?”

Doctor: “Yes, and I’m afraid the under-11’s are using the Operating Theatre for keepy-uppy practise”

Cut to shot of kids playing footy in the operating theatre, knocking over drips, smashing equipment etc.

Shankly: “My God! How long have I got?”

The Doctor switches on an ECG screen. He tunes it to Match Of The Day.

Doctor: “3 minutes of injury time”

Shankly: “Well, have you no drugs? No painkillers?”

Doctor: “Let’s have a look in the old kitbag, shall we?”

He picks up a manky Adidas kitbag and starts rummaging through it. He pulls out a bike pump with no adaptor, a single shinpad, a flat football.

Doctor: “Well, we’ve got some Deep Heat. Not much good on an ingrowing toenail though. Oh, look! We’ve got a magic sponge! That works on everything, even if it’s only a piece of basic marine life dipped in water…”

Doctor starts to work on Shankly’s toe with the Magic Sponge then suddenly looks at his watch.

Doctor: “Oh goodness, is that the time?”

Shankly: “What is it?”

Doctor: “We’re playing St Thomas’s at three !”

He pulls off his white coat revealing full football kit, boots etc. He runs out.

Shankly: “Oh god. I’m going to die!”

Shankly looks to his right and sees the Grim Reaper leaning over his bed.

Shankly: “Who… who are you?”

Grim Reaper: “Don’t you know? I’m the bastard in the black!”

Shankly: “Oh, ha-bloody-ha”

Grim Reaper chuckles.

End.

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One Response to “Frankly, Mr Shankly”

  1. Leola December 16, 2012 at 10:40 pm #

    I needed to thank you for this wonderful read!
    ! I definitely loved every little bit of it.
    I have you book-marked to check out new things you post…

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