Man pulled alive from the ruins of John Terry.

16 Apr

A human being appears to have survived in the wreckage of John Terry, after a voice inside him was heard admitting the ball “probably didn’t go over the line” for Chelsea’s second goal against Spurs at the weekend.

Hopes had faded of finding any sentient life in the catastrophic shit-scape that is the former England captain and shaggist, following the sudden and total collapse of every aspect of his life two years. A spokesman said “We’d thought that no-one could survive the sheer scale of the destruction brought about by his inability to keep his Old Monk in the Monastery. Then you have all the racist allegations – but miracle of miracles – it appears some tiny part of his decency has survived. He must have kept himself alive all this time by sucking the moisture out of a fat wad of tenners”.

“Either that or the big man upstairs has been keeping an eye out for him”, he said, pointing to Roman Abrahamovich’s office.

A weak squeaky voice was heard emanating from within the wreckage of John Terry after the game yesterday, and reporters rushed to the scene. 

“We heard this pathetic weedy voice coming up from the ruins” said Stevie Foster of the Daily Whatever. “Someone shouted “Shit, he’s swallowed David Beckham! But then someone went “my god – some of his respectability appears to be alive!”. We immediately went to check our wives and girlfriends were nowhere in the vicinity, then literally walked back several hours later to dig him out”

At first the voice emanating from John Terry appeared to be asking for water, said Steve, “but then we realised he was asking for a £500k Nike endorsement and that if we said anything to the press his mum would come round and steal our washing machines”.

However, eventually it became clear that the man in John Terry was making a genuinely fair point about the legitimacy of Chelsea’s second goal. He was rushed to a nearby lawyers who attempted to save his image as football’s number one bell-end with a massive injunction, sorry – injection.

Simon Cowell’s plans to put out a charity single to raise funds to support the ruined footballer are now on hold. Artists such as Sting, Neneh Cherry and some of Sting’s friends were to release a specially recorded version of “Everybody Hurts (when John gets his cock out)”.

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