Archive | April, 2014

Fergiemandias

22 Apr
I met a traveller from a Mancunian land
Who said: Two vast and legless boots of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And bulbous nose, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The watch that timed them and the hairdryer of dread:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Fergiemandias, king of kings:
Look on my wins, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The Premiership table stretches far away.
 

 

From the desk of Maria Miller

8 Apr

From the desk of Maria Miller, still Culture Secretary.

 

Dear Prime Minister

It is with great regret that I must inform you of my decision not to resign from the position of Culture Secretary. Please be assured my decision not to fall on my sword is based purely upon consideration for the better good of myself and bears no thought whatsoever for the better good of the party.

I have greatly enjoyed my time in post and look forward to it continuing. I believe I have made immense progress in a number of important areas, particular those related to my personal expenses and mortgage interest payments. In addition, it has been my great honour to fulfil the vital role you so selflessly offered me in the cabinet; that of token female non-Etonian.

Nevertheless, I believe now is the right time for me to not stand aside to spend more time with my family, wherever they live. I appreciate my continued presence in post may be of extreme embarrassment to you, but you must be used to embarrassment, having appointed Iain Duncan-Smith. You also cannot failed to have noticed that whilst everyone is bitching about me they aren’t focussing on the major cock-up you’re making of everything else. So that’s good.

I am grateful for the highly-principled way in which you blatantly ignored the findings of your own standards committee. I look forward to your continued support as we work together to ensure the trust placed in us by hardworking families is betrayed at all times and that we rid the country of the real danger to society; benefits cheats.

Yours unresigningly

Maria

Ps. Can you lend me £5800? It’s for a loft conversion. No, really.