From the desk of Maria Miller

8 Apr

From the desk of Maria Miller, still Culture Secretary.


Dear Prime Minister

It is with great regret that I must inform you of my decision not to resign from the position of Culture Secretary. Please be assured my decision not to fall on my sword is based purely upon consideration for the better good of myself and bears no thought whatsoever for the better good of the party.

I have greatly enjoyed my time in post and look forward to it continuing. I believe I have made immense progress in a number of important areas, particular those related to my personal expenses and mortgage interest payments. In addition, it has been my great honour to fulfil the vital role you so selflessly offered me in the cabinet; that of token female non-Etonian.

Nevertheless, I believe now is the right time for me to not stand aside to spend more time with my family, wherever they live. I appreciate my continued presence in post may be of extreme embarrassment to you, but you must be used to embarrassment, having appointed Iain Duncan-Smith. You also cannot failed to have noticed that whilst everyone is bitching about me they aren’t focussing on the major cock-up you’re making of everything else. So that’s good.

I am grateful for the highly-principled way in which you blatantly ignored the findings of your own standards committee. I look forward to your continued support as we work together to ensure the trust placed in us by hardworking families is betrayed at all times and that we rid the country of the real danger to society; benefits cheats.

Yours unresigningly


Ps. Can you lend me £5800? It’s for a loft conversion. No, really.




One Response to “From the desk of Maria Miller”

  1. Dan Ashley April 8, 2014 at 10:14 am #

    Brilliant. I’ll social media it up. Or out. Or whatever it is people do.

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