DISCOVERED: Original first verse of Keats’ “To Autumn”

8 Oct

To Autumn

Season of moans and mundane mournfulness
Damp, dreary chum of the departing sun;
With sales at Homebase, Wickes and DFS
We search for jerseys, put the heating on;
As Strictly and XFactor make us cry 
And Downton’s half-wit plots confuse and bore
We bake a tasty Mary Berry pie
And pack our summer clothes away once more,
“Not long till Christmas now!” the jokers smile
Let’s hope their homeward journey’s blighted by
A dog-egg hiding ‘neath a leafy pile.

 

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Fielding positions in cricket EXPLAINED

26 Sep

Image

American Pie by Don McClegg

25 Sep

A long, long time ago
I can still remember how the Lib Dems used to make me smile
And I thought that if they had a go – then they might help the country grow
And maybe we’d make progress for a while.
But coalition made me shiver – with every u-turn they’d deliver
The country’s in a right mess – they’re flogging the NHS
I can’t remember if I cried when Cleggy took the Tories’ side
But still it makes me weep inside – the way the Lib Dems lied…

So, why, why did I vote for these guys?
Was I crazy, maybe lazy, or just pissed at the time?
Now them Bullingdon Boys in their blazers and ties are singing…
Kiss enlightened government goodbye
Kiss enlightened government goodbye

The New Jerusalem

31 Jul

And did those tweeps in ancient times
Squawk about Twitter’s homepage screen?
And was the heavy hand of Plod
On Twitter’s pleasant timelines seen?

Or did the Tweet elite define
Henceforth our posting protocols?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Despite those dark satanic trolls?

Bring me my dial to block or scold!
Bring me my button of desire!
Bring me my tweets; secure, patrolled!
Bring me my knob of righteous ire!

I will not cease from knee-jerk fight;
Nor shall I try to understand
Till we have built a new Salem
And Twitter’s clean and safe and bland.

Churchill versus Cameron

30 Apr

It was announced last week that the new face of the five pound note is going to be Winston Churchill. Does that mean that in 70 years’ time David Cameron might end up with his chubby fizzog on a fiver too?

But which leader has the greater record? There’s only one way to find out! Cheap, satirical analysis.

Churchill – gave thanks to “the few”
Cameron – gave tax breaks to “the few”

Churchill – sank the Bismark
Cameron – sank the economy

Churchill – instilled the bulldog spirit
Cameron – instilled the Bullingdon spirit

Churchill – dominated by America
Cameron – dominated by A Merkel

Churchill – got our boys home from France
Cameron – left his kid in the pub

Churchill – destroyed the nazis
Cameron – destroyed the NHS

Churchill – outmanoeuvred by a great reformer
Cameron – outmanoeuvred by Boris Johnson

Churchill – gave the V-sign to the British people
Cameron – given the V-sign by the British people

Conclusion:

If they bring back the halfpenny in 2083, Cameron might just get his face on that.

I Tweeted My Way

22 Feb

And now, the end is near 
And so I face my final homepage
My friends, my aim is clear 
I’ll post a joke, nicked from the Bronze Age
I’ve crammed my tweets with crap
And revelled in some twisted wordplay
But more, much more than this, I tweeted my way 

Retweets, I’ve had a few 
But mainly due, to heavy drinking.
I’d rant without a clue, and have a view, though never thinking
I’d whine at Mail Online, but every time, I’d stick a link in 
And more, much more than this, I tweeted my way 

Yes, there were times, I had no shame,
When I RT’d my own acclaim,
And through it all, though there were trolls,
I blocked the twats, and took the LOLs
Yes, I hash-tagged, and humble-bragged, and tweeted my way 

I’ve starred, DM’d and tried
To boost my count, my share of follows
And now, subtweets aside, I find it all so hard to swallow
To think I did all that
And buttered up with Follow Fridays
Oh no, that wasn’t me, I tweeted my way.

For what is this thing, this microblog? 
If not a means to spout and flog?
To say the things we think are hip, and wallow in an ego-trip
I tried the lot – and now I’m shot – I tweeted my way…!

Do you remember a grin, Miranda?

12 Feb

Do you remember a grin

Miranda?

Do you remember a grin?

And the knowing and the showing

Of the joke (easy going)

And the aside like a guide to where the punchlines reside

And the wink that lasted for an hour?

And the slips and the trips and the pratfalling quips

(like a loveable clumsy panda)?

Do you remember a grin, Miranda?

Do you remember a grin?

 

And the slips and the trips and the pratfalling quips

Which were only kind of funny

But which were always easy money

And your mother at the door yet again?

And the shop mishap

In the lap

Of the chap with the beard, kind of weird

How this girl he’s after

Is dafter than laughter

Happy ever after?

Crashing and then flashing him your knickers –

Here’s the vicar!

And the sing-song thing at the end.

Do you remember a grin

Miranda?

Do you remember a grin?

 

No more;

Miranda,

No more.

How the critics abhor

And audience’s starting to snore.

The plots

Are balls and the falls in your smalls

Got thin

But still you can mug to the camera

Until they fill

Your

(as I like to call it)

Slot.