Lord Sewel: A limerick

There once was a peer called Sewel

Who thought it was clever and cool

To cavort with some pros

and snort coke up his nose

But at least he thinks Cameron’s a tool.

Don’t leave the UK – by The Cameronards

Don’t leave the UK
We can’t survive, we can’t grow and thrive
Without your oil, oh Scotland
Don’t leave the UK

Don’t leave the UK
A yes vote’s unsound, says Gordon Brown
You can’t have the pound
So don’t leave the UK

Oh Scotland, the Queen thinks a yes vote is bad for you
And so do Eddie Izzard and Beckham too
Think of all the bank HQs that you could lose
And can’t you see that Salmond thinks he’s Robert the Bruce
So come on down and keep all your Scottish MPs
We’ll even let you hang on to the BBC…

50 ways to leave the union

The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if we share our currency
Just listen to Alan Cumming and Sean Connery
There must be fifty ways to leave the union

She said we don’t need Westminster to intrude
Furthermore, it means we’re finally rid of Dave’s Bullingdon brood
Let them have the nukes, but we’ll keep all the crude
There must be fifty ways to leave the union
Fifty ways to leave the union

You just swim down the loch, Jock
Jump in a cab, Rab
You don’t need to be coy, Boyd
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Angus
You don’t need to devolve much
Just drop off the key, Malky
And get yourself free…

Fergiemandias

I met a traveller from a Mancunian land
Who said: Two vast and legless boots of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And bulbous nose, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The watch that timed them and the hairdryer of dread:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Fergiemandias, king of kings:
Look on my wins, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The Premiership table stretches far away.

 

 

From the desk of Maria Miller

From the desk of Maria Miller, still Culture Secretary.

 

Dear Prime Minister

It is with great regret that I must inform you of my decision not to resign from the position of Culture Secretary. Please be assured my decision not to fall on my sword is based purely upon consideration for the better good of myself and bears no thought whatsoever for the better good of the party.

I have greatly enjoyed my time in post and look forward to it continuing. I believe I have made immense progress in a number of important areas, particular those related to my personal expenses and mortgage interest payments. In addition, it has been my great honour to fulfil the vital role you so selflessly offered me in the cabinet; that of token female non-Etonian.

Nevertheless, I believe now is the right time for me to not stand aside to spend more time with my family, wherever they live. I appreciate my continued presence in post may be of extreme embarrassment to you, but you must be used to embarrassment, having appointed Iain Duncan-Smith. You also cannot failed to have noticed that whilst everyone is bitching about me they aren’t focussing on the major cock-up you’re making of everything else. So that’s good.

I am grateful for the highly-principled way in which you blatantly ignored the findings of your own standards committee. I look forward to your continued support as we work together to ensure the trust placed in us by hardworking families is betrayed at all times and that we rid the country of the real danger to society; benefits cheats.

Yours unresigningly

Maria

Ps. Can you lend me £5800? It’s for a loft conversion. No, really.

 

 

Dr Who viewer survey

Please answer the following questions about “Dr Who – The Day of The Doctor”

Which of the following best describes your response to the show?

• It was great – I loved it
• It was OK – nothing special
• WTF was that all about?

How would you describe the plot?

• Dramatic
• Predictable
• Frankly, I’ve no idea what just happened.

What did you think of the special effects?

• Fantastic
• Average
• Hang on. Did the Doctor shag Queen Elizabeth 1??

Were the characters believable?

• Absolutely
• Up to a point
• I thought an alien was supposed to burst out of John Hurt’s stomach?

What was your favourite scene?

• The action-packed opening
• The terrifying climax
• The scene where he did the thing with the screwdriver thing.

What did you think of Billie Piper’s performance?

• It was wonderful
• It was alright
• Billie Piper was in it?

What did you think about Matt Smith’s performance?

• It was excellent
• It was OK
• Seriously, Billie Piper? Did she sing? I must have nodded off.

Was 75 minutes the right length for the show?

• Yes
• No
• It seemed short at first, but then seemed bigger when you got into it. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Did you flick over to The XFactor at any point?

• Yes
• Maybe
• No – The XFactor makes less sense than Dr Who FFS

Thank you for completing the survey. We’ll do another one in 50 years.

A job interview goes badly wrong…

  

Please take a seat.

Job interview – I am in you.

So you’re applying for the role of PR Executive?

<— That

What qualifications do you have?

This —>

<hands over picture>

This is a picture of a cat in an Iron Man costume?

I win at cat pictures.

How is this relevant?

Because winning.

I’m sorry?

If you only look at one picture of a cat in an Iron Man costume today, make it this one. You’re welcome

But I don’t like cats.

Wow. Just wow.

What?

LOL ROFL PMSL

OK, moving on… what would you say are your key strengths?

USING CAPITAL LETTERS TO INDICATE I AM MAKING AN INDISPUTABLE POINT

Does that work?

AT MAKING ME LOOK A KNOB-END, YES

And your weaknesses?

#hashtags #somanyhashtags #killmenow

Is that really your greatest weakness?

Yes* It is**

(*No **It isn’t)

Would you describe yourself as a team player?

Breaking: No

Do you have any relevant experience?

So this happened > I was on a bus.

You were on a bus?

YOLO

Can I see your references please?

“Let’s check up on this person’s references” – no-one ever.

So you don’t have any references?

*face palm*

Actually, it says on your CV that you were dismissed from your previous position because you could only converse in tiresome Twitter clichés?

*head desk*

And from the two roles previous to that?

#epicfail

OK. I think this has probably gone on long enough…

That thing when you screw up a job interview.

Thank you for your time.

Meh.

We’ll be in touch.

You can shove your stupid job!

I’m sorry?

#justsayin

 

 

DISCOVERED: Original first verse of Keats’ “To Autumn”

To Autumn

Season of moans and mundane mournfulness
Damp, dreary chum of the departing sun;
With sales at Homebase, Wickes and DFS
We search for jerseys, put the heating on;
As Strictly and XFactor make us cry 
And Downton’s half-wit plots confuse and bore
We bake a tasty Mary Berry pie
And pack our summer clothes away once more,
“Not long till Christmas now!” the jokers smile
Let’s hope their homeward journey’s blighted by
A dog-egg hiding ‘neath a leafy pile.

 

Fielding positions in cricket EXPLAINED

American Pie by Don McClegg

A long, long time ago
I can still remember how the Lib Dems used to make me smile
And I thought that if they had a go – then they might help the country grow
And maybe we’d make progress for a while.
But coalition made me shiver – with every u-turn they’d deliver
The country’s in a right mess – they’re flogging the NHS
I can’t remember if I cried when Cleggy took the Tories’ side
But still it makes me weep inside – the way the Lib Dems lied…

So, why, why did I vote for these guys?
Was I crazy, maybe lazy, or just pissed at the time?
Now them Bullingdon Boys in their blazers and ties are singing…
Kiss enlightened government goodbye
Kiss enlightened government goodbye